This used to be a vampire.
This scared the bejeebers out of us.
The vampire wasn’t a flashy creature. It didn’t need to be. This was a creature that could turn to mist, could run with the wolves. They could mesmerize, they could strip us of our will.
They were silent. Slow. Slipping in with the dark to drink our blood and leave us dead or worse.
Not so much.
Anne Rice might’ve been one of the biggest catalysts of vampire evolution. Her vampires were reluctant. They seemed to have souls, to bear sorrow and regret. And they were. . .pretty.
And from pretty came the rest. Vampires were cool – wearing leather and delivering scathing one-liners. They started wielding staffs and swords and guns.
You’re a vampire. Why in hell do you need a gun???
But the thing that has really confused me is the martial arts.
Buffy was a big player in this. For the hunters, the slayers, to know martial arts would be reasonable. Were they not well versed in defense and escape they’d be nothing more than brave little lambs for slaughter.
But why do the vampires know martial arts? And not just martial arts, but Matrix-style martial arts. It’s the norm, now. They can run up walls and drop down in front of an opponent to sweep their legs before you can blink.
All things being equal, two vampires fighting each other should be a violent, vicious attack — two starving wolves clashing.
And vampires attacking mortals should be a feral, desperate attack. We’re food!
Yet somewhere in this world or the next there is an exception. A revered Sensai holding court over the dojo of the undead.
Do the vampires bow to him? Do they have to progress through belt degrees? Do they eat him if they beat him in the final battle? Or is he, too, undead?
What about the werewolves?
Does each creature have their own training grounds, or do they all train together – a Hotel Transylvania place outside of reality where there is a truce amongst the players?
What an amazing arena – countless undead creatures sparring against each other in halls with reinforced floors and vaulted ceilings built to accommodate their extra strength and speed.
Learning not just how to take a fall, but how to take a spine-cracking spin into a marble pillar and jump up to resume fighting.
What a spectacular place that must be.
They should make a movie about that – The Karate Kid meets Dracula.